Holding On To Heaven_A Reverse Harem Contemporary Romance Read online

  Tears welled in my eyes and I pushed them away with the back of my hand.

  “You guys don’t get to make that decision for me. We’re either in this relationship together or not at all.”

  Anderson’s face was devastatingly handsome even in the shadowy lamplight that brightened the walkways through campus. He reached for my arm and rubbed his finger along one of the scars I no longer hid. He bent down and kissed the puckered skin with warm lips and a tenderness impossible to describe.

  Acts like that made it super hard to stay angry with him.

  “I think we need to talk.”

  “Me and you?” he asked.

  “All of us.”

  He nodded and ran his hand down my arm, linking his fingers with mine. “Tomorrow. My room. We can have some privacy and hopefully clear some of this up, okay?”

  “Thank you.”

  He brought my hand to his lips and kissed the back. “There’s room in our relationships for growth. I believe that, and it’s possible we’ve been too protective, but you have to understand how we feel. You’re the most precious thing in our lives. We’ll guard you with our everything. All the time.”

  His words sent a chill down my spine. I knew I had something special with the Allendale Four, I just didn’t fully realize the lengths they’d go to protect me. But they also had to give me agency in my own decisions. I should have a say in our relationship—not just be directed. If I wanted that, I’d go back home.

  6

  Anderson

  A million thoughts ran through my mind as I kissed Heaven goodnight outside her dorm. I did have to get up early for practice. I had routine, but damn if this girl didn’t constantly want me to break it and every other well-defined rule in my life.

  “’Night,” she said, for the third time, not wanting me to walk away. She’d been mad when I followed her across campus. Upset really, embarrassed, but we’d fix that. I swore to her we would.

  I groaned into her shoulder, feeling the instant hard-on in my pants and the elevated heartbeat that happened every time she touched me. She’d had this effect on me since we were thirteen and it never got easier. Not after we’d had sex. God no, it only increased, knowing what it felt like to be with her—in her.

  I kissed her quick, fast on the lips, then ripped myself away like a Band-Aid.

  “Love you,” I said, already walking away.

  “Love you, too.”

  She was like a damned magnet, but thankfully she finally walked inside and shut the door.

  My phone buzzed.

  It was her.

  Don’t forget tomorrow

  I won’t.

  I passed a group of students, all a little wobbly on their feet heading back to the dorms. I skirted out of the way, not wanting to be trampled or vomited on. Taking the path back to my building, I scrolled through the phone and found the A4 group chat.

  She’s home. Safe.

  Jackson-You with her?

  Dropped her off.

  Hayden-Is she pissed? I swear I didn’t do anything.

  She’s upset—wants to talk.

  Oliver-about wughat?

  Jackson-wtf?

  Oliver—about WHAT. SHUT UP. I’m DUNK.

  My room. Tomorrow. She’ll be there and we’ll talk

  Hayden-Ok

  Jackson-Yep

  Oliver-ahoairneugougha

  I shook my head and shoved my phone in my pocket.

  There was no way I was tipping them off about what Heaven was upset about. No fucking way. They’d lose their minds and want to come up with a plan, which is what got us in the dog house in the first place.

  Heaven was right, I thought, climbing the steps to my dorm. We’d made a decision without her. To protect her, because even though she was a strong, amazing woman, she had to work through some tough shit over the last year. Heaven tried to hide the darkness that bothered her, but I knew it lingered—so did the others. The only thing we had control over was how we treated her. How we protected her and kept her safe. None of us wanted her to ever—ever—feel like she was just a body to us, an outlet.

  Not like Spencer. Or Mark, or those other douchebags in high school that thought they could use and take advantage of her.

  I walked in my room, tossing my keys and phone on the desk with a clatter.

  We loved her. Cherished her, and she always needed to know that, which was why there was a line we’d drawn—one we were hesitant to cross. After all we were guys, teenagers, filled with hormones and sex-fueled desires. God, in my fantasies I’d done nearly every imaginable thing possible to her body. But that wasn’t how you treated the woman you loved.

  Was it?

  Was I holding back? I thought, glancing at myself in the mirror hung on my door. I stripped off my shirt and jeans, getting an eyeful of the hard-earned muscles that lined my body.

  Hell yes, I was holding back. Because if I crossed that line, the one between love and lust, the one where you let your animal desires take over, where did it stop? How did you stop?

  And that’s why we made the line, to keep that basic instinct in check. And now Heaven wanted to cross it.

  I got in the bed and turned off the light, staring at the blank, dark ceiling. I knew one thing for certain: Heaven would get her way with us. She always did.

  I just hoped it didn’t open a can of worms we couldn’t shut.

  7

  My phone rang on the way to Anderson’s dorm.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said, lifting the phone to my ear.

  “Hey sweetie, how are you today?”

  “Pretty good.” I didn’t think she wanted to hear about how nervous I was about talking to the guys in a few minutes.

  “How are classes?”

  “They don’t fully start back until this week, but I got everything I wanted even though my Monday, Wednesday, Friday biology class is at eight-thirty in the morning.”

  “You’ll survive.”

  “With coffee, I suppose I will.”

  She paused for a minute and I crossed the grassy area that split the campus. People were already lounging on blankets, studying or just hanging out. I eyed one couple kissing openly, feeling jealous of their freedom.

  “Honey, I wanted to let you know your father and I have been…seeing each other again.”

  I froze in the middle of the sidewalk. “What?”

  “I know this is a surprise. I’m surprised, but things are going really well.”

  “Mom.”

  “I know, I know. I thought all of that was part of my past too. It’s just…I think he’s changed this time. It’s just a feeling I have. I think he learned a lot while he was gone.”

  “Mom, your gut instincts are notoriously wrong.” I wanted to remind her of how she handled the bullying situation last winter but didn’t. It was still a tense subject.

  “Heaven, I’ve made some bad decisions in the past where your dad was concerned, but I think he’s really trying to clean up this time. Go legit. Pastor Billips at Oceanside is really taking him under his wing.”

  “Billips is a sexist pig, mom. That place is oppressive and just…I don’t like it, okay?”

  “We’re taking it slow, Heaven, but it’s something I feel called to explore.”

  Called. The word sent chills down my spine.

  My heart thundered while she spoke and I scanned the area, trying to find something to focus on. A mop of blonde hair caught my eye and I held it in my sights as it moved toward me. “Be careful, Mom. He’s hurt you before.”

  “I know. He has a lot to prove; like keeping a job and paying for your school. I need him to understand I’m not quitting my job and becoming a housewife again. It’s not like I’m moving in right away.”

  “Moving in?” I asked. “Right away?”

  “He bought the old Jameson place by the river. We’re going to fix it up together, see how it goes. Then maybe I’ll think about moving back in with him.”

  “Mom,” I whispered as Jackson got clos
er, “do you even know where the money is coming from? For my school and this house? His salary can’t be that great.”

  “I know he received a stipend while he was gone and he saved a lot of it. He was able to build a nest egg.”

  A nest egg? While we were barely scraping by?

  That hit me like a ton of bricks. He had money while we were gone but never gave any to us? Even when Mom was working double shifts to pay the bills? I knew I needed to hang up before I said something I’d regret. “Hey, Mom, look, I’m about to walk into the library. I should probably go.”

  “Sure, honey. I just wanted to keep you in the loop.” There was a muffled sound behind her. That was when I knew she wasn’t alone. My dad had been there the whole time. “Your father wants you to know he’ll be in the city on Wednesday night. He’ll pick you up for dinner at seven.”

  “What? Mom, I’m not sure I’m available then!”

  “I’m sure you’ll work it out.” She rushed out a goodbye and I was left holding the phone. Jackson stood before me with a curious look on his face.

  “Everything okay?”

  I stashed my phone. “Just my mom. She said my dad is coming up on Wednesday night for dinner.”

  “We’ll make sure we’re out of the way so he doesn’t see us.”

  I hated it. I hated the lies and hiding. I felt like nothing in my life for the last year had been anything but one charade after the other. I’d finally discovered my personality—my style. I enjoyed dressing sexy. I liked flirting with my boyfriends. With my dad around, none of that was an option. He’d never approve.

  Jackson watched me with his soulful, beautiful, blue eyes and I forced a smile. “Thank you. Hopefully he’ll be gone early.”

  He linked our hands and directed us toward Anderson’s three-story, brick dormitory. It was small and reserved for students with elite status in academics or sports that needed a quiet space to live. It was Saturday, though, and the rules were more relaxed.

  “Anderson said you called this meeting? Is it about last night?” he asked. “Because if I need to kick Hayden’s ass, I will. I mean, Oliver and Anderson will have to hold him down, but I’ll totally kick his ass.”

  “Hayden didn’t do anything,” I said. Which is the problem. “Anderson didn’t tell you what this is about?”

  We climbed the stairs and he pushed the door open. “No.”

  I sighed, bracing myself for what I’d gotten myself into. A sex talk. A real one with my very real boyfriends. It was a topic that went against every aspect of how I was raised. Submissiveness was what a woman should be—not demanding or vocal in the relationship. But I also knew that was wrong—that type of attitude destroyed my parents’ marriage and our family. I didn’t want to be like them. I knew what I wanted and I planned on declaring that today.

  We reached Anderson’s room and Jackson knocked before opening the door, revealing the other three Allendale boys inside. They looked at me expectantly and damn it, there was no way to run.

  Jackson closed the door behind me and Oliver, who looked like hell, made space for me to sit next to him on the bed. He moved slowly and groaned like an old man.

  “What the hell happened to you?” I asked.

  He ran his hand over his face. “Amber. She kicked my ass in drunk Jenga.”

  “Lightweight,” Jackson said, sitting next to a quiet Hayden on the couch. Anderson sat in his desk chair and shook his head at the whole thing.

  I glanced at Hayden, who just stared at his feet.

  “First, I want to apologize to Hayden for leaving like that. It wasn’t cool and walking off like that on my own was stupid. I can’t promise I won’t do anything like that again, but I’ll try to keep it to a minimum.”

  Hayden’s eyes snapped to mine. “I handled it all wrong. I shouldn’t have said any of that.”

  “Any of what?” Oliver asked, forcing alertness. “What am I missing?”

  Jackson was equally clueless. Anderson ran his hand through his hair, still damp from his morning swim. His jaw was shadowed with stubble. I looked to him for help and he nodded.

  “Heaven feels like we’ve been a little overprotective—not just with things like her storming off last night, but in other ways.”

  Jackson faced Hayden. “Seriously, man, what did you do?”

  “Nothing!” He held out his hands. “I swear.”

  “That’s the problem,” I blurted. “Hayden didn’t do anything—well, at least not what I wanted.”

  Oliver frowned. “What did you want him to do?”

  “We were in his room alone, for the first time in a while and…” I gave him a hard, pointed look. “He just stopped.”

  Oliver looked between us. I swear he wasn’t this dumb. “Stopped?” he asked. Then it connected, like a lightbulb turning on. “Oh, right. Damn. Right. Well maybe it wasn’t the best time. I mean, Hayden’s bedroom is pretty funky.”

  “There were ton of people around, too,” Jackson added.

  “In the heat of the moment, I’m not thinking about those things. Can you honestly tell me any of you really are?” Guilt crossed their pretty faces. I looked at Hayden. “Did you really want to stop?”

  He shook his head. “No, of course not.”

  Now they all looked down at their feet. Hayden’s ears were red. I inhaled and then exhaled loudly. “I know you guys worry about me. I know my anxiety scares you and all the bullshit I went through last year, including Spencer trying—and failing—to assault me, was rough. But I’m okay. Better than okay. And you don’t have to treat me like a baby.”

  Oliver reached for my hand. “But you’re our baby, Heaven. Our sweet, sexy, fierce baby and none of us want to hurt you.”

  Jackson nodded in agreement.

  Dammit. Even hungover Oliver was adorable. It was really hard to stay focused when they were sweet and sexy all the time. Focus, Heaven.

  “You aren’t hurting me,” I told him. “You’re holding back. Which is sweet and comes from a good place, but I want more.” I glanced around the room. “From all of you.”

  From the expression on their faces and the glint in their eyes, I found myself caught in the crosshairs; four hungry men who definitely loved me—and wanted me—who’d been holding back for far too long.

  “Are you sure you’re ready for more?” Anderson asked.

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “It’s hard,” Anderson said slowly, “Because the line between love and lust is thin and I don’t think any of us ever want to give the idea that we’re taking advantage.”

  “What if I want you to take advantage?” I asked, adding a little laugh. “You know I get horny too, right? It’s not just a guy thing.”

  Hayden swallowed thickly. “You know you can’t just say things like that.”

  “But I can! That’s what I’m saying. I want you. I want your bodies. But I also love the way you love me.” I look at Anderson. “That line between love and lust needs to be blurred.”

  “I’m game.” Jackson said. “We’ll do it your way, or rather the way it feels natural between each of us.”

  “Right,” Hayden agreed. “No more stopping.”

  “Or frustrated, cold showers,” I muttered.

  Shocked eyebrows shot to the sky and Oliver’s hand squeezed mine. The room was so quiet I could’ve heard a pin drop. Jackson opened his mouth to speak, the corner of his lips quirked up, but my phone buzzed—breaking the silence.

  I took a peek. “It’s Amber. I promised I’d get coffee with her and then go shopping for some last-minute school supplies.”

  Hayden cleared his throat. “For the record, I tried to walk Amber home last night, but she brushed me off for someone else.”

  “A guy?” As much as I loved Benjamin, it was time for her to move on—play the field a little.

  Oliver shook his head. “No, not a guy.”

  I remember the blonde standing at the game table between him and Amber the night before. I knew it was time for her to move on b
ut I didn’t expect…wow.

  I smiled. “I’ll definitely get details.”

  “And now that school has started I’m going to make a group calendar for us—so we can keep track of everyone’s classes and activities,” Anderson said, swiveling in the chair.

  “Good,” I said. “I don’t want to miss anyone’s games or events.”

  I stood to leave but Oliver tugged me back down to the bed. He engulfed me in his arms. “Thanks for coming to talk to us, H. Next time don’t take so long, okay?”

  With the weight of my issue off my chest, everything felt different, freer, and I kissed them each on the forehead and left to find Amber. I was excited and maybe a little bit scared. I saw the hunger in their eyes. I’d felt their need. It was possible I’d just opened a box that I couldn’t seal back, but I suspected we’d have fun figuring it out.

  8

  The first three days of classes went smoothly; if you considered getting lost twice, forgetting to turn off my cell phone during class and watching the girls of the university discover the Allendale Four, smooth.

  “Three different girls came up to Anderson after our Intro to Biology class this week,” I grumbled to Amber. “I was standing right there.”

  “I’m sure he didn’t notice.”

  “Who knows with him. You know he has a stone-cold expression.” It was nice having Bio with him. It was kind of like old times but in a much bigger setting. The chemistry between us was just as intense as it had been back in high school—only now we weren’t sitting behind lab tables but in a large lecture hall. Just today his leg brushed against mine and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I shot him a death stare and passed him a note.

  No touching in class.

  Why not?

  The smirk on his mouth told me he knew the answer but I scribbled it down anyway.

  Because I don’t think our classmates want an actual biology lesson on reproduction, that’s why.

  He stared at that note long and hard. I thought he was finished but he scratched out his own note in perfect script.

  Meet me after class then? Maybe get a little of this out of our system?